levantarán las alas como águilas

My uncle joe has been a part of my life since i was born. My grand mother died when i was a month old so my mom and dad took him in. My mom was so attached to her mother that she still says that she knows God waited to take her mom til i was born & settled in, so that she'd be ready to let go and it wouldn't be so hard but i think that between me & joe, WE were what kept her busy together. Joe was born with so many conditions, he was estimated to live til about 12 years old and here he is. He turned 48 this last july. I like to think me & james are what kept him going... we prolonged his life by keeping him so active and on the top of his game. (Those who know us well, know what i mean) ((and kimo did his part too)) I feel so grateful that i was able to have joe in my life, i have learned so much from him and it has made me a better person. He taught me how to love, unconditionally, he loves everyone. And i mean everyone. He taught me how to forgive..........and forget. He taught me not to care what other people think, it doesn't matter, when it was me and him, even in a crowded place, it was only us. He taught me how to be a child, it's not how old you are, it's how old you feel. I still like coloring, and i like to think he has a part of that, i loved to color with him, he taught me it's ok to color the sky green and the people blue, it's whatever you feel. He taught me to be strong. He has never cried one day in his life, and i mean never. He taught me to be patient. Throughout my life there were times i had to wait on him, especially these last few years when i've cared for him and tended his needs. It's one thing to do things because you have to and it's another to do them with patience and love in your heart, Sometimes we take for granted the things we do each day. Joe loved riding his bike, sometimes a little too much, but only when he'd gone too far and we couldn't find him. Since he's gotten really sick, he can barely walk. He loved getting up in the morning, getting dressed & ready for school, 'wetting' and combing his hair (and if you know joe, you know what i mean by 'wetting'), making his breakfast and packing his lunch for school, making his coffee, and heading out to the bus. He didn't need to be told what to do, he just did it. He loves animals, all kinds of animals. We've had dogs, cats, hamsters, a guinea pig,a rooster, fish, birds, and i think that's it. He's crazy about pets. And we can't forget the guitar, he loves his guitar. He'd play from sun up to sun down if you let him, and he'd sing too. English and spanish. Sometimes i think he played just for the chicks, joe loved the ladies. He was a little ladies man at school, it was so cute. And he always talked about getting married but always said he wan't old enough. He wanted sons, no daughters, just sons. Maybe it's a guy thing. And his favorite dish was spaghetti (and again, if you know joe, you know what i'm talking about). Joe loved church, he was so social, we'd walk in and people that i'd never seen would say, "Hi joe!". He was such a positive example to my life.
My mom called yesterday to inform me about joe's health. It seems he won't be with us much longer. It's breaking my heart. I can't seem to get myself to stop crying, for so many reasons. I think a part of me always thought he'd get better and get back to normal. It must be the same part of me that still believes in santa (i can't believe i just shared that). I just keep remiding myself how happy he will be when he gets to see grandma. I hope he is proud of me and maybe he will tell her what a beautiful young lady i have become, and what a wonderful man i've married. Joe loves babies, well, children in general. I wish he could stay long enough to know my kids someday but i will never forget to share stories, pictures, and videos of their uncle joe so they will know how wonderful and crazy he is. Not a day goes by that i don't say something, or remember something, or tell ryan a story about joe. I don't know how my life will change when he is no longer here, but i hope he will always be with me. I feel like a part of my heart is changing, it's not leaving or becoming empty, it's just changing. I love joe with every part of my being. I know that he is going to a better place. It's hard, i won't lie about that, but i know his time here on earth is almost over and i'm grateful for all the gifts he's given to me while he's been here. I hope i can share them with others so that they may continue to brighten this earth we live on. "Si alguien te pregunta, como estas, como estas, como estas, Si alguien te pregunta como estas, como estas, como estas...Bendecido, muy bendecido, bendecido porque cristo me salvo, Bendecido, muy bendecido, bendecido porque cristo me salvo. (one of joe's favorite songs) P.S. I hope anna calls me joejorin forever.

Look...No Really....Look.

This.....is what a skidmark looks like... This futon, is a skidmark on the underpants of my driveway... it belongs to the lady who lives in our basement. We came back from California 3 weeks ago and it was sitting there, right along our driveway. And... unfortunately, it's been sitting there ever since. Right in plain sight for everyone to see... Can you believe this. I'm thinking about calling the number for "Big Pick-up" to see if they'll haul it away, is that mean...

*Garden*

So, Ryan and I planted a garden this last season...however, we planted it way late so it wasn't totally productive but we had so much fun planting it, caring for it, and watching it grow! We grew a zucchini 2 feet long! We made so much zucchini bread, it was great! I've grown strawberries and cherry tomatoes before (even though I don't like tomatoes but my brother does so he'd eat them) but i had never had a real garden. And seriously, I was outside all the time checking it out and watching the progress. I'd definitely like to plant a garden every year, if possible. I 'll just try to do it early enough to have more growth. Here's my little watermelon, it didn't have enough time to get bigger before the frost came but it's so cute. I'm glad we did it! It was alot of work to get it going but it was nice to get outside to de-weed and enjoy the outdoors. We also had some jalapenos plants, we cut about 30 chilis and took them down to my dad, he loved them! He said they were the best he'd ever tasted!

It hurts...

So, i've been having this pain since last tuesday... it's a pain my body doesn't recognize... and it hurts. (i just can't say that enough...maybe deep inside i feel that everytime i verbalize this pain, it somehow loses it's power...like i'm staring it in the face & not backing down, like we're at war and i just threw a bomb at it) As the pain continued down to friday i really began to worry. Not to mention everyone who knew about it kept insisting i go to the dr. Aren't friends & family great! So, on friday evening we head up to the Instacare. Now, that place does NOT bring back good memories to mind but there we go. To my odd but pleasant surprise, it was fairly empty. Went right in. They did urine tests & pregnancy tests.... negative to both. It turns out i have an ovarian cyst. Doesn't that sound wonderful... It hurts. (BOOM! One point for me!) I had never heard of such a thing but as i talk to people, the dr included, it's a pretty common occurrence. And as I, being so up to date on the latest fads & fashion... i should have it too right. We all know how 'trendy' i am... lol. So, i've been in bed... allllll day Saturday i laid in bed and let me tell you about Sunday. I don't know if it was the pain meds or my lack of food or just the intensity of the pain, but every time i sat up, or much less, stood up... my body would start to pass out. It was horrible! And it hurts. (Take that!) My sweet friend Etta brought Ryan and I dinner. Aren't friends great. I slept through sunday, it was the only way i felt i could get through the day. I'm still in pain today but not nauseated anymore which compared to yesterday, is definitely an improvement. I can at least try to get something into my tummy. I've been living on saltine crackers that i sneak into my mouth and consume really fast before my body can realize i've tricked it and try to dispose of it. Lovely huh. I don't know how much longer this pain is going to last but I'm ready to close this chapter of my life. Because IT REALLY HURTS! =)

ShADy!

AaAaAaRrGgGg....!
Current mood: aggravated

I hate it when people are SHADY! They run their mouth all day long but when confronted... they choose to 'stay out of it'. If you have something to say, SAY IT! If i have a problem with someone, i have no problem telling it like it is or telling that person "i think you're dishonest" right to their face. I will not say anything behind your back that i won't say to your FACE . Don't act all hard if you're not willing to back it up. Don't talk all smart if you can't stand behind your words. And when i hear you saying something in the wrong... i WILL call you on it. People are used to playing telephone... words get passed along and become distorted and exaggerated & go in circles and by the time it reaches the other side, it's so far from the truth that it's invalid. IT MEANS NOTHING!!! You mean nothing! You try to hurt people who are lower than you because it makes you feel all high, mighty, & superhuman. You hurt those people because you know that they will never confront you or stand up to you, or call you out, but i will. I always do. Then what. It is SO hard for you to see other people happy, you can't stand it! You bond over tearing someone down... like two junkies bonding over dope. It's all you have. It's all you have in common. Misery loves company. It's true. You're not friends. You spread your cloud of negativity to all those around you and try to hear your own voice above all others, so maybe someone will listen. You speak and everyone else in the room is muted because nothing else but what you say matters. You take hold of the room as if you are on stage, under a spotlight, and everyone is invisible. You are the star. You're not. You're a distorted version of the child your mother bore. Inhuman. No feelings. No sympathy. Do you ever cry. I don't think you'd allow yourself to, it's a sign of weakness and that is one thing you are not. Weak. Pathetic. You speak, and noone cares. You speak, and i tune out. You speak, and every word you say explodes like dynamite. You are my dearest friend. And I hAte you.