Monday, December 3, 2012
My girls
Friday, November 30, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
New
Current Mood: Pensive
I feel like i have so much to say but the wires that connect my thoughts and words are so disconnected that when i speak my voice lets out silent air. It's been so long since I've written and I'm afraid I've forgotten how to open up and let my feelings come to the surface, maybe i can just sit and type and bypass my mind and just come straight from my heart. I wish i could lay my head down on the keyboard and just have the connection write out my thoughts because my brain gets in the way and jumbles and muffles the true intent of my soul.
I have so many thing to be thankful for. So many people to appreciate. I have a family that loves me and accepts me for who and what i am even though i lack in so many way. I wish that more people knew me, the real me, but the fear of exposure causes me to only let people in so far that they never have a chance to realize how awesome i am. And when i am complimented, it causes me to shutter because i feel unworthy due to my shortcomings. And at the same time i feel if people knew the real me, they would be frightened at my lack of conviction and where i stand in life. Nobody is perfect, we are all in the same boat, etc etc, I've heard it all before... i know all that. But life is still hard and things are still painful.
I never had aspirations, i never knew what would come of my life, i would think about it sometimes but my lack of motivation and encouragement didn't allow me to get too far down that train of thought. I always wanted to have kids but i never thought i would. I felt incapable of loving anyone enough to accomplish creating a family, much less having children. I never thought i would finish school, i was told college wasn't for me, oh. ok. That's out then. No career, no family... Now what.
I did find someone. Someone patient and loving. Someone who seems me as Jesus sees me, he loves me and holds me so dear and so close to his heart that when life gets so hard that my heart is too tired to beat, his pulls mine along and gives it that extra power to keep me going. He has taught me how to love. He has taught me how to care. He has taught me how to argue appropriately and I'm so glad i get to spend forever with him by my side. He has given me two beautiful girls that are the most important things to me. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to be a mom. They have taught me to embrace the unknown and enjoy it.
I have a handful of close friends that i love dearly. A few people that i have let in and who haven't run away with fear of knowing the real me. Friends that are teaching me how to be a friend. I never was good at having friends. I never learned the social skills needed to interact and nurture a friendship. They have always been a scary thing to me and I've always run the other way. It's much much easier for me to close the door on someone then to work at it and learn how to be a friend and have friends. But i believe I'm getting better. I hope i am. I am still working on it. It's been painful at times and it's hard work for sure but it is, I'm finding out, worth it. My social skills are so much better now and yes, I'm engaging in self censoring more and more so that helps me not come off so harsh. I'm so thankful for my friends and for the examples they are to me. I'm also so thankful for my in laws, for the love and support they are and have always been to me. I could not have asked for a better family to marry into. They have always treated me with such love and respect.
Life is not always easy, but it is also not always hard. We all have our own struggles and joys. There was a time when i had reached a low. There was nowhere else to go but up. Nothing else mattered. I was as far down as my soul could get and every other bad thing that came my way became like a pebble falling after an avalanche. I started looking for the good things, and i became able to appreciate them to the fullness. I stopped planning my days in advance & leaving room for disappointments. I started living one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow. I started enjoying my company and the time i spend with people. Talking, laughing, loving. Appreciating the people in my life, the people that love me, the people who hurt when I'm in pain. I stopped worrying. Worrying about the choices other people make in their lives, and the frustration of not being able to make the decisions for them that i know are right. I started trusting in other peoples judgments, even when i think they're wrong. A wise old man told me, "if you're driving home from a long trip, and you brought some food back with you, and hours down the road it starts to stink because you have no way to keep it cold, what do you do?" I said "pull over and throw it out, it's no good." He said, "exactly, worrying does you NO good, you can't hold on to it as important as you think it might be." He's right. And i did. I no longer carry those burdens that are not mine. I got a quote from a friend that says "Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." I'm still holding out for that but until the end comes, I'll trust God and i will keep moving forward. There's no need to dig up the past so i can fix my future. I just need to focus on what's important and work on myself. I need to remember where i am going with my life and how I'm going to get there. And I'm going to try to enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like i have so much to say but the wires that connect my thoughts and words are so disconnected that when i speak my voice lets out silent air. It's been so long since I've written and I'm afraid I've forgotten how to open up and let my feelings come to the surface, maybe i can just sit and type and bypass my mind and just come straight from my heart. I wish i could lay my head down on the keyboard and just have the connection write out my thoughts because my brain gets in the way and jumbles and muffles the true intent of my soul.
I have so many thing to be thankful for. So many people to appreciate. I have a family that loves me and accepts me for who and what i am even though i lack in so many way. I wish that more people knew me, the real me, but the fear of exposure causes me to only let people in so far that they never have a chance to realize how awesome i am. And when i am complimented, it causes me to shutter because i feel unworthy due to my shortcomings. And at the same time i feel if people knew the real me, they would be frightened at my lack of conviction and where i stand in life. Nobody is perfect, we are all in the same boat, etc etc, I've heard it all before... i know all that. But life is still hard and things are still painful.
I never had aspirations, i never knew what would come of my life, i would think about it sometimes but my lack of motivation and encouragement didn't allow me to get too far down that train of thought. I always wanted to have kids but i never thought i would. I felt incapable of loving anyone enough to accomplish creating a family, much less having children. I never thought i would finish school, i was told college wasn't for me, oh. ok. That's out then. No career, no family... Now what.
I did find someone. Someone patient and loving. Someone who seems me as Jesus sees me, he loves me and holds me so dear and so close to his heart that when life gets so hard that my heart is too tired to beat, his pulls mine along and gives it that extra power to keep me going. He has taught me how to love. He has taught me how to care. He has taught me how to argue appropriately and I'm so glad i get to spend forever with him by my side. He has given me two beautiful girls that are the most important things to me. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to be a mom. They have taught me to embrace the unknown and enjoy it.
I have a handful of close friends that i love dearly. A few people that i have let in and who haven't run away with fear of knowing the real me. Friends that are teaching me how to be a friend. I never was good at having friends. I never learned the social skills needed to interact and nurture a friendship. They have always been a scary thing to me and I've always run the other way. It's much much easier for me to close the door on someone then to work at it and learn how to be a friend and have friends. But i believe I'm getting better. I hope i am. I am still working on it. It's been painful at times and it's hard work for sure but it is, I'm finding out, worth it. My social skills are so much better now and yes, I'm engaging in self censoring more and more so that helps me not come off so harsh. I'm so thankful for my friends and for the examples they are to me. I'm also so thankful for my in laws, for the love and support they are and have always been to me. I could not have asked for a better family to marry into. They have always treated me with such love and respect.
Life is not always easy, but it is also not always hard. We all have our own struggles and joys. There was a time when i had reached a low. There was nowhere else to go but up. Nothing else mattered. I was as far down as my soul could get and every other bad thing that came my way became like a pebble falling after an avalanche. I started looking for the good things, and i became able to appreciate them to the fullness. I stopped planning my days in advance & leaving room for disappointments. I started living one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow. I started enjoying my company and the time i spend with people. Talking, laughing, loving. Appreciating the people in my life, the people that love me, the people who hurt when I'm in pain. I stopped worrying. Worrying about the choices other people make in their lives, and the frustration of not being able to make the decisions for them that i know are right. I started trusting in other peoples judgments, even when i think they're wrong. A wise old man told me, "if you're driving home from a long trip, and you brought some food back with you, and hours down the road it starts to stink because you have no way to keep it cold, what do you do?" I said "pull over and throw it out, it's no good." He said, "exactly, worrying does you NO good, you can't hold on to it as important as you think it might be." He's right. And i did. I no longer carry those burdens that are not mine. I got a quote from a friend that says "Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." I'm still holding out for that but until the end comes, I'll trust God and i will keep moving forward. There's no need to dig up the past so i can fix my future. I just need to focus on what's important and work on myself. I need to remember where i am going with my life and how I'm going to get there. And I'm going to try to enjoy every minute of it.
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